Building a Love Map: Get to Know Your Partner Again
“Love Maps” is a tool from the Gottman Institute that looks at how well we know the people in our lives. When it comes to romantic partners, those that have a detailed, current understanding of their partner’s life tend to have better overall relationship satisfaction. It demonstrates a strong friendship with your partner, that you are invested in their life and care about their world. A Love Map is a picture of your partner’s experiences and the things they care about. The traditional questions for Love Maps can range from surface level questions like their favorite color or a detailed description of their day to deeper questions such as what does your partner worry about?
Having a current, updated map of your partner’s life can make a huge difference in how connected you feel. Normally, when we first get into a relationship, we almost can’t stop asking them questions. Who are they? How did they get to be who they are? What do they like? It’s a very normal and vital process for when we first get to know someone. If we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, we might have stopped asking some of these questions. Maybe you’ve heard all about your partner’s childhood by now. Maybe you’ve met all their friends and heard all the stories. But when was the last time you really checked in?
Why does this matter?
How can you really know your partner and be in tune with their needs if you don’t have an updated understanding of who they are and what they need? Take a moment to think about how well you think your partner knows you right now. If you don’t feel like your partner knows you, does that change how you interact with them?
Knowing your partner and feeling like your partner knows you is the path to intimacy. Intimacy means closeness and vulnerability. Feeling safe to know and be known is necessary for a strong intimate relationship.
“The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return”
-Nat King Cole, “Nature Boy”
Partners in long-term relationships tend to lose track of Love Maps a bit. We start to make assumptions that we know our partner, we’ve heard it all. We assume that nothing major has changed. And maybe nothing has! But sometimes things do change, and we may not take note of it unless we specifically ask. When someone’s Love Map changes and we don’t know about it, we may be missing out on getting closer to them, helping them, or meeting their needs. In more serious cases, this can lead to feeling disconnected or uncaring towards a partner.
Tools to Use
Curiosity
First and foremost, you don’t need any special tools to check in with your partner. Ask them questions! Check in with them about their day. Be open about if you feel understood or not. Be curious about your loved one’s life and go from there.
Card Decks App
Thankfully, the Gottman Institute has made it easy to check on our Love Maps with their Card Decks app. The app has different sets of questions for partners to go through, including the original Love Maps questions. It has different sets for spicier topics and some that are more serious. I recommend this app frequently to the couples I work with, and I always suggest starting with the Love Maps deck! Download the free app to go through together when you have some time together, whether it’s after a long day and you’re hanging out on the couch or while you’re driving somewhere. Feel free to only do one question at a time, or do as many as you want!
We’re Not Really Strangers
A newer tool I’ve really enjoyed is the card game We’re Not Really Strangers. While the game developers do have a couples-specific version of the game, I think any versions of the game are really interesting conversation starters. You don’t need to worry about the rules of the game, just use these as conversation starters.
Other Books and Question Sources
A quick google search of “questions to ask a partner” leads to all sorts of articles and lists of questions. I find this to get repetitive, but it can help out in a pinch! There are also other books such as 3000 Questions about ME and The Complete Book of Questions: 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion. Similar to the Card Decks app, keep a book or list of questions handy to ask your partner when you have some free time together. Depending on the kind of questions you’re asking, this may also be a good conversation to have with other family members around! Love Maps are relevant to all of our close relationships, so ask your kids, too!
Me!
Follow me on Instagram (@unfolding.insight) or Facebook for weekly prompts featuring the We’re Not Really Strangers deck!
Conclusion
Feeling known and understood is key for feeling close to someone. The strongest relationships have a solid foundation and friendship and consistent updates to Love Maps. Take a stance of curiosity with yourself and partners, and start asking questions!
